Tomorrow will be 1 week.

Things have been going "ok" I think. I find myself thinking about Raelyn frequently throughout the day. I really miss her and still find myself tearing up just thinking about her. Brett and I made a wall hanging of all of our handprints. It is a picture of my hand, his hand and Raelyn's little hand's right in the middle. Her hands are enclosed in a heart and the bottom of the picture says, "always in our hearts". I love looking at her little prints. It's all that I have of her. I find myself wondering who she would have favored more; me or brett? I have absolutly no doubt that she would be/is a beautiful combination of the both of us. I wonder what her and my mom are doing up in heaven. I know she is a very happy baby, that is for sure. Brett and I are both known for our big smiles. Today the sun was shinning bright and I felt as though it was her, smiling down on us saying "I'm doing okay, mommy and daddy". That brought a smile to my face. Tomorrow will be 1 week since we said goodbye and that makes my heart ache. 

I am supposed to go back to work this week and that is a little nerve racking. I don't want anyone to ask me questions. I just want to do my job. Most of you know that I work at a jail. I have to deal with ignorant pregnant women all the time. Women who do drugs and drink on a regular basis, despite their pregnancy. Women who already have several "healthy" kids that they do not even take care of. It just makes me so angry. I would like to slap them in the face and tell them how ungreatful they really are! Up to this point I feel as though I have done very well in not being judgemental towards the inmates and treating their medical problems professionally, despite their convictions...I pray God will give me strength to handle these types of people during my time of greiving. I know this pain will never completely leave my heart, but I'm sure with time it will get easier to cope with.

I made a 1 month follow up apt today with my OB doc. Her and her nurse has been very sympathetic of our situation and they have all been supportive as well. My OB doc suggested that I make an apointment with a counselor or psychiatrist, just to talk to someone. I think it is a really good idea. It is no secret that I have struggled with depression since my mother passed away. I was coping well with medication, but when I found out we were pregnant I had to stop taking it. It was actually a good thing though and Brett was very supportive. The first part of my pregnancy was rough, especially since there were a few people who weren't to supportive of my pregnancy since Brett and I were not "married". Everyone eventually came around though and I did very well without taking any depression medications. I hate taking meds and I certainly don't like feeling as though I have to "depend" on a medication just to make me feel better. I really want to try to handle this on my own and I think I can. I have an amazing support system, especially with Brett.