Sunday, October 16, 2011

Remembering all the Angel Babies

Well yesterday was Infant/Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day.  I woke up yesterday morning like I do every Saturday morning and, being the facebook junkie that I am, got onto the computer.  I had a "special" day planned out of things that I wanted to do, mainly to honor our sweet girl, Raelyn. 
When I got onto facebook I couldn't hold back the tears though.  So many people had changed their profile pics to either a pic of the Infant/Pregnancy Loss Awareness Ribbon or changed it to "Raelyn's" awareness ribbon.  I wipped away the tears as I read what people had changed their status' to.  They were not only remembering Raelyn, but all our precious Angel Babies.  I sobbed as I read what my friend Carole from NC wrote, "Pregnancy & infant loss awareness day is today. Remember all the baby angels in heavens playground. RIP Baby Raelyn 2/22/11. Know you have the prettiest wings & halo heaven had to offer!!!"  She was not the only one who updated their status and I just want EVERYONE to know how much it meant to me for them to not only show support but mention my sweet girl specificly.  I miss my NC friends so much.  They have been so supportive with all of this even though they are thousands of miles away!! Now, with that said I don't want my friends/family "here" to think that I do not appreciate them.  I really just can't express how thankful I am to have each and every one of YOU in my life.  Your support truly means more than I could ever explain.
After I pulled myself together from all that I went down to the Cemetary where my Momma and Raelyn are buried.  I done my own little balloon release, not just for my baby girl but also for all the precious Angel Babies who have been taken away far to soon.  As I pulled the balloons out of my car and started to walk over towards the stones the windchimes started chimin like crazy!! I knew then that my Momma and baby girl were there.  I took the weight off the balloons and let them go.  I watched as they floated up into the sky.  They kept floating further and further up until I could no longer see them.  The windchimes continued to chime until the ballons were no longer in sight as well and then they stopped (in order to "get" the whole windchime thing you would have had to read one of my earlier blogs).  I guess my Momma and Raelyn had went back to heaven to catch her balloon.  I then laid a small arrangement of pink flowers on Raelyn's grave, which had a blue and pink ribbon tied around it.  I told Raelyn how much I loved her and missed her.  I let her know how missed she is from so many people.  I then told my Momma that I missed her too and that I wished she was here to help me through some of my "struggles".  I told them both that I loved them as I walked away and got back into my car.  I always feel so at peace when I visit the Cemetary, but it never gets easier.

Later that night I met up with one of my good friends, which I haven't gotten to see much since I moved.  She is one of my best friends and I miss not getting to see her as much anymore.  She went with me to get a new tattoo.  This tattoo meant so much to me and the fact that I got it on the Awareness Day made it even that much more "special".  I'm also glad that my bestie, Melissa, was able to go along with me!  I know that my Momma probably didn't like it, only because she didn't like me "markin" up my body.  One time my cousin, Jill, and I got tattoo's and she said, "I don't know why you girls always have to be markin up your bodies like that.  What would happen if I need a skin transplant one day?! I will have ink on it!"  Just typing her quote brings a smile to my face, she was so funny sometimes.  I miss my Momma so much!!  But all "jokes" aside, I  felt this was a special way to honor my sweet girl on such a special day and I am very happy how it turned out.  I just can't wait to see how it looks after it "heels".

Thursday, October 6, 2011

It's been a while...

Well I'm not even sure where to start.  So much has been on my mind lately.  We celebrated our neices 1st birthday yesterday.  It has been amazing to watch her grow.  It seems like just yesterday she was an infant and now she is walking around, getting into everything.  We love that little girl so much.  Sometimes my heart hurts though because I wish we were watching our own daughter grow.  I look at Raelyn's ultrasound pics or even her tiny handprints and still have my moments.  I miss her so much.  She will always have a piece of my heart.  It seems like everyone is having babies or finding out their pregnant.  I'm not really sure how I feel about that.  I find myself having baby fever at times, but then I think about what we went through and it scares me to death.  I feel like it was a bad scene from a horror movie or something.  Those couple of days have been etched into my mind forever.  No one knows the heartache I still feel to this day. 

I've been feeling like nothing good ever seems to happen to me lately.  I've been going through some things with my dad and have had several run-ins with "bad luck" lately.  My dad had kinda hit rock bottom with his depression and things got totally out of control.  It was so scary to see him the way I had to see him.  He looked like a mad man.  I spent my birthday trying to get him help...and I'm pretty sure it was the worst birthday I've ever had but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would help my daddy.  Thankfully I had amazing support from the rest of my family and they really stood behind me.  I know he didn't like us to much in the beginning but I'm pretty sure he is glad he had the oppurtunity to get the help he needed.  He was able to go to a really good hospital where he could get the help he needed.  Since he has been out I can tell a tremendous improvement.  It's almost like he is a new person.  He has even gained 20 pounds!! That seems like a lot, but that is exactly what he needed...he looks healthy again.  I've lost my mother and I sure don't want to lose my daddy, especially to something senseless.  I know I can not control who he hangs out with or who goes around him, but I can at least try to get him the help he needs when he needs it.

So I had started writting this a week or so ago and I am just getting around to finishing it.  I have been terrible about getting on here and I promise to try to better.  Life is just so busy and hectic these days! ♥