Tuesday, June 21, 2011

June

So it has been over a month since I have blogged.  June has been a tough month.  The 11th was the 2 year anniversary of my mom passing away.  I miss her so much and I find it very hard to believe that I have been without her for 2 years now.  There are so many days that I wish I could still call her and let her know about my day or ask for advice.  My dad has started seeing someone again, which I have had a very hard time with.  I've pretty much known this day would come some day and his happiness means more to me then anything.  I don't really know her and I have had a very poor attitude about accepting her.  My dad hasn't really been honest with me about her and I'm certain that hasn't helped things either.  I think he tries to avoid telling me things because he doesn't want me to be upset, but it is even worse when I hear about the situation second hand.  The 14th should've been my "due date".  A million different thoughts ran through my mind that day.  It should've been the happiest day of my life.  I should've been having my beautiful baby girl, holding her in my arms and kissing her forehead.  Instead it was just another day.  Some days I catch myself wondering what it would have been like with her here...even with all her medical problems.  The "selfish" part of me still gets the best of me at times.  I have no regrets about the decision we had to make because I know it was the best.  I would never have wanted my child to suffer.  No parent would.  No matter the situation though, I am just about certain I would not be able to go through another "procedure" EVER again.  It was horrific and I still to this day have horrible flashbacks from what happened during those 3 days.  It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  I find some comfort in being able to visit her at the cemetary with my momma. 

We have been given the "green light" on trying again, I'm just still scared.  Like I said, I'm almost certain that I would not be able to go through with another "procedure" ever again...no matter what the circumstance.  It took every once of strength I had just to follow through with it this time.  The fear is simply overwhelming.  Our OB doc has been very supportive through this entire situation and has told us on several occassions that they chance of reaccurance is very low.  I guess since it "just happened" and they were not able to find a cause for the poor development of our baby, I have a terrible fear of it "just happening" again.  I know more than anything though that I was meant to be a mother and this experience has made me want a baby more than anything, especially since I feel as though it was ripped away from me.  For now I will try to patiently wait for the Lord to bless us with another baby.  He knows when the time is right and after everything I have been through, I trust in him more than anything.