Monday, April 25, 2011

Days go by...

I've really been slacking when it comes to updating my blog lately. I've been working a lot, just trying to keep busy. I've caught myself on the verge of tears quite frequently these past couple days, and I'm not really sure why. I see my facebook friends sharing their pregnancy "joys" and posting pics of their newborns and it makes my heart ache. I see them progressing in their pregnancies and think to myself, I should be doing these things along with them, or this person just had their baby. I should be getting ready to have mine.

I've also been thinking about all the upcoming "events".  Mothers Day, Memorial Day, Easter, my "should be" due date, the anniversary of my mom's death. All of these things are happening in these next 2 months and I find it a bit overwhelming just to even think about at times.  Mothers Day has been rough for me ever since my mom passed away and this year I will be celebrating it not only without my mother but as a mother who lost her first child. Ughhh!  I really hope my momma and Raelyn enjoyed their first Easter together.  My dad and I joked about mom forgetting to put her Easter basket out. I'll never forget the Easter mom forgot to put my basket out. I woke up, ran into the living room and there was NOTHING! I thought the Easter Bunny had forgotten me! Then mom came runnin into the living room, saying "oh shit!! go back to your room!"  I anxiously waited in my room as I heard the ruffeling of plastic bags and mom telling dad that she could not believe she "forgot" to set my basket out. When I came back into the living room mom sat her chair with the biggest smile and said, "he just left it in our room". Needless to say, the "secret" was out. We looked back and laughed about that for several years! And I'm sure if Raelyn is anytihing like me, she HATED them pees. Mom liked them though and I always found them in my Easter baskets. I would remind her every year that I didn't like them things, but her response was always the same. She would say "I know", with a big grin on her face, as she took them out of my basket and ate them herself. Man, I sure do miss my momma!!

I had went to the doctor last month for my 1 month "procedure" follow up. I can't really remember if I already mentioned what happened at that appointment so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. Anyways, the doctor said everything looked good with my cervix and such and said that things seemed to be healing well.  She also said that she wanted us to wait at least 3 months before trying again. I still feel a little "undecided" about the whole trying again thing. I feel like my daughter was ripped away from me and I want to try again more than ever. With that said, I am scared to death that it will happen again. The doctors say the chances of it recurring is very low, but my thought process on it is that it "just happened" do I know it won't "just happen" again. Brett says that our luck isn't that bad (for what happened before to happen again) but sometimes I swear that I am cursed, especially when I think about some of the things that have happended to me. I know I can not think like that but sometimes it's hard to be positive when I think of the things I've had to go through. One thing that I do know for sure though is that I was meant to be a Mother. This I know without a doubt. As terrible as this experience has been I also know that it has helped Brett and I grow so much and in so many ways, and I think that together we will be even better parents because of it.