Thursday, February 23, 2012

Where has the time gone?

This has been an emotionally draining week.  Yesterday we celebrated Raelyn's 1st Angelversary/birthday.  It was a bittersweet day.  We had a very nice memorial at the Cemetery, released balloons, decorated her headstone and had cupcakes.  I didn't think it would be so "hard", but it most certainly was.  My heart hurts just as much today as it did a year ago.  My stomach turns as I remember the entire week I went through 1 year ago.  My stomach is full of stretch marks, which are a painful memory of the little girl I once carried in my belly.  I can still remember that gut wrenching empty feeling I had.  Yesterday I had a lot of support from friends and family and for that I am greatful beyond words.  I'm not really sure where I would be today, given everything I have been through, if it wasn't for my support system.  I try to keep my mind busy because it's when I'm alone that things really hit me.  Picking out things for her grave was very difficult.  I should have been planning a birthday party, but instead I was making a flower arrangement to put on her grave.  I should have been buying her clothes and shoes and lots of toys, but instead I was looking for "kids" stuff that could withstand the weather while it sat on her grave.  As I was looking through the birthday section I couldn't help but sob as I picked out things that said "my first birthday" and "birthday girl".  It's not fair, I should be buying these things to actually use...not to sit outside on a grave site! As I checked out at the store my eyes watered as the cashier said, in a chipper voice, "it must be someone's birthday?"  I choked back the tears as I said, "yes it is."  It's hard to believe that it has been a whole year already.  They say time heals everything, but what does it really "heal"? I do not think this pain I feel will ever go away, but I think it will get easier to cope with.  My heart will never be hole because with her went a piece of me.   
My dad has been doing pretty good since his hunting accident back in November.  He had his 5th and hopefully finally surgery today.  The doctor said things went really well, but we won't know if the cadaver bones are going to "heal" to his bones for another 3 months.  There isn't a lot of information on the type of surgery they done today with placing the cadaver bones.  This type of procedure is typically done on patients who have had bone cancer or bone tumors resulting in removal of the portion of bone infected.  The surgeons who completed the surgery do not have a lot of experience with the procedure in general, let alone doing it on someone who has lost bone due to a trauma.  The group of surgeons who have been doing his operations have done an amazing job thus far and have really done well with reconstructing his knee the best they could given the trauma and severity of his injury.  It's kind of complicated, but alls we can do is pray that everything heals and he is able to start rehab and walking again soon.  Through all of this he has remained in such good spirits.  Even when he is lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to a Morphine pump and still in escrutiating pain, he is able to cut a joke.  It breaks my heart to watch him go through all of this, but I am just thankful that he is here with me and that the doctors were able to save his leg.  He still has a long road to recovery, but alls we can do is take it one day at a time.  I am also very thankful for all the thoughts and prayers everyone has given him! I've said this all along...he most certainly had a guardian angel looking after him the day of his accident.  He is a very lucky man!