Well, we got back from Colorado yesterday morning. It was really nice to be back home...to our own house, own bed, etc. When we were leaving Colorado I kept feeling as though I was forgetting something, or maybe I should say someone. My baby. The bond that I have developed with her during the 6 months she lived inside my tummy is just undescribable. It's amazing how you can love someone, who you have never met, so incredibly much!! I look at myself in the mirror and it simply breaks my heart. My tummy, which used to be full and round, is now flabby and empty. I hate it. I know that God knows what he is doing and that he had better plans for our sweet little angel, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier. I started feeling her move around and kick a little later than usual, because we found out I had an anterior placenta. The worst part of this is that I started feeling her only a week or so before the "procedure".
We only have a 1 bedroom apartment, so Raelyn was supposed to share a room with us. When I go to bed, I see her crib with the small collection of things we had begun getting for her. It absolutly breaks my heart, yet I'm not ready to break down and put everything away. We will eventually, just not right now. I feel so envious of pregnant women or women with small babies right now. It makes me angry to feel that way because that isn't me at all. I don't want to feel that way. I am in no way better than anyone, but it always brings me back to the same question, "why did this have to happen to us?! what did we do so wrong?!" I know that God will bless us with another baby when the time is right. Eventually we will try again. Right now our hearts just need to heal.
I don't really have a lot to say today. Just feel really sad. I let my cell phone go completely dead last night and didn't even care to charge it until later this afternoon. That is way out of character for me...I am addicted to my cell phone! I feel as though I have kind of withdrawn myself from the "world". I just hope that everyone knows that we both read the messages and comments you leave us on facebook, the comments on here and even emails you may send. We appreciate them very much and it is people like you who are helping give us strength to get through this difficult time. Just know that although we may not respond right now, we appreciate the support more than you know!
"Blessed Mother up above,
give my baby all your love.
Hold her tight against your breast,
let her lie her head to rest.
No more pain, nor endless suffering,
only tendernest and cuddleling.
And please dear Mother hear my plea
when I die, give her back to me.
From Mommy"
--by: Diane Rowan
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