Day 1 was truly a nightmare!!!

Sorry I did't update my blog yesterday, it was a very rough day.

We had our first apointment at the clinic yesterday. I felt so many emotions as we approached the door, it was simply overwhelming! There was only 1 protester who was pacing up and down the street infront of the clinic. She had a rosery in her hands and was just praying out loud. She didn't say anything to us though and my heart was racing because I was scared she would. This has been hard enough for Brett and I and the last thing I wanted was someone trying to call me a murder. Once we got inside we waited in the waiting room. Brett and I just sat there quietly. A younger looking girl came in with another older female lady. Maybe it was her mother, i'm not sure. Anyways they sat across from us and just acted as though nothing was wrong. They laughed and made jokes to one another. I could no longer hold my emotions in and began to cry. How could someone walk into an "abortion" clinic and be so giddy?! The thought just made me sick, especially since I didn't WANT to be there in the first place! Brett hugged me and tried to be as comforting as possible. Finally they called us back.
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They put us in a room with an ultrasound machine. The doctor came in and asked us a few basic questions, then done the ultrasound. Neither Brett or I looked at the ultrasound machine. By this point it is far to difficult to look at. The doctor wasn't very talkative and didn't seem to have a very good bedside mannor. I thought to myself, this is going to be a long 4 days if this is the doctor we will have to deal with. He then left the room and told us to wait in another room. We were asked to fill out a bunch of paperwork and after what seemed like forever we went to a lab area where they drew some blood from me. We were then takin to another room where we watched a very outdated video of what to expect reguarding the procedure. After that a girl came in and asked us wether we had any questions and if we were "set" with our decision. I guess that was our "counseling" session. At this point the entire experience was nothing like I thought it was going to be. I was very disappointed, not that I thought it would be a "fun" or enjoyable experience. I just had a completely different outlook, from reading what they had on their website, of what was going to happen. Needless to say, the website was VERY misleading to say the least! Even the information that the lady I had spoke to on the phone when I set up my apoinment seemed to be misleading at this point.

Finally it was time for me to go in for the first step of this long process. Brett wasn't aloud to go with me and that I absolutely hated. They had already told us that, but now that the time was here I hated it even more. I really needed him to be with me. They put me in a room. There was lots of sterile looking devices, which were still packaged up, lying out in the room. I was so nervous and my heart was racing. The doctor finally came in and had me lie down on the exam table. My heart raced because I knew what he was about to do. He then exposed my stomach and verified the placement of my baby on the ultrasound machine. Everything was kept out of site, including the ultrasound machine. That somewhat relieved me. I couldn't stand to watch my child's heart beat for the last time. Next, the doctor cleansed my stomach with betadine and gave me a shot of a numbing medicine. At this point I began sobbing. It was terrible and worst of all I did not have Brett at my side. The doctor then looked at me and said, "I can not do this if you are crying". I was in utter disbelief that he had said this. He was getting ready to inject my stomach with a medication that would cease my baby's heart, of course I was upset!! I tried to suck it up thought and let his comment go. Afterall, he was old and grumpy. I tried to mentally block out the situation in my head, which was next to impossible. I held it together long enough for the doctor to do what he needed to do. The doctor then told me to lie still, with my hands on my chest, and not to move. He used a long needle, which he inserted into my stomach and into my baby's heart. He then injected Digoxin. Although I could not visible see the ultrasound screen or see her heart stop, I felt as though I knew. I felt this terrible void within me, but I knew that my momma was now standing right beside me in that room, holding my baby girl. I was now being comforted by 2 very special guardian angels, which I will forever hold close to my heart.

The doctor then felt the need to lecture me about how "extremely overweight" I was. How my weight complicates my risk not only for this procedure, but in life in general. He then went on to tell me how being overweight could cause me to die young. Now, I am fully aware that I am overweight, but I am also 6 months pregnant. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very tall girl and I carry my weight well for the most part. If I weighed what the BMI chart says I should, I would be sickly thin looking. As much as his comment, again, made me angry and pissed off, I tried to block it out for the time being.

Next, he needed to put something called Lamineria into my cervix to help it start to dialate. By this point, I was barely holding it together emotionally. I was so distraught, not only by what had happened but also by the doctors rudeness and poor bedside mannor. Inserting the Lamineria was a very uncomfortable process, not to mention that they used the old school metal speculum. I apparently raised my hips slightly, out of discomfort, and "messed up" whatever the doctor was doing down there. I sure didn't do it on purpose and at this piont I just wanted out of that room! The doctor, in a somewhat disgusted voice, told me that I needed to lie still, that he couldn't do this if I raised my hips because it would mess things up and that would cause him to have to start over. I said that I was sorry, but that it was a little uncomfortable. He responded by asking wether I had ever had a PAP smear. I felt like saying, well yes you asshole, but they don't try to force your cervix open during a freakin PAP smear! Gesh. At this point one of my hands was on my chest, with a pulse oximeter on my index finger. The other hand was holding a piece of gauze to my abdomen, where he had inserted the needle. Tears began to roll down my face, so I reached up with the hand that had been on my chest to wipe the tears away. The doctor then told me that I needed to hold my hand still. I was so angry. I didn't want to be here and the least he could do was show me a little compassion. I laid there as the nurse tried to be somewhat sympathetic with me and held my hand. At least she was nice.

Finally, the doctor got done. I asked wether Brett could come in the room now, since they were finished, so he could help me clean up. The doctor was very sloppy when he applied the betadine to my stomach and I had it everywhere! It was up my back, in between my legs and even in my butt crack. Sorry, I know that is TMI, but I literally had it everywhere. The nurse told me to go ahead and get dressed, that Brett could meet me in another room. I was furious and sobbing at this point. I felt as though I was treated like a piece of shit! Finally I got myself cleaned up and went to the room where Brett could meet me. I was sobbing so uncontrollably at this point that I could hardly breath and was hyperventalating. Brett came into the room and immediatly started trying to comfort me. I couldn't hardly speak, but finally managed to blurt out, "THEY WERE MEAN TO ME!!" Brett was furious and asked what I meant. I told him everything the doctor had said to me and he was not very happy. He just held me as I tried to pull myself together, so that we could leave. Day 1 was finally over. As we left Brett pulled the nurse to the side. He told her that if I told him one more time that the doctor was mean to me, that they would not like him. He told her that we were not here because we wanted to be, but because it was the best decision regarding the circumstances. That I was very emotionally unstable at this point because of everything we had been and are going through, that the least they could do was show a little compassion.

We walked out of the clinic hand in hand. When we got back to the hotel room Brett and I just sat and talked. I told him that even though this day was a complete nightmare, I knew our baby girl was in a better place. Parents are supposed to protect their children. I felt as though the pain I went through today, although very traumatizing, took her pain and suffering away. I felt as though that was the only way, at this point, that I could protect her. And that somehow made me feel a little better. Brett also helped me to realize that our baby would have suffered so very much if we had continued the pregnancy and helped me to remember why it was we had made this decision in the first place. That burdeon in itself would have been a much harder one to overcome. It was still a very traumatic day. If I can go through 2-3 days of pain or discomfort to save my baby girl from a lifetime of pain and suffering, I will and did.

I can not even begin to understand why someone would do this just because they "wanted" to. I, personally, pray that I never ever have to go through this again. If anything scares me away from wanting to have children in the future, it is this day. I love children though and always will. I know that one day I will be a mommy again and I pray that we can be blessed with not only a "healthy" baby, but also a "healthy" pregnancy. I feel as though a situation like this can make or break a relationship. I feel it has brought Brett and I closer. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to have to go through this with, although I'd rather not have to go through it at all. I have been blessed with not only a very supportive man who loves me more than anything, but also a supportive family. We have had so much support from both sides of our family and friends. For that we are very thankful. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than you'll ever know!