Today was a rough day. Mainly because I hardly slept last night due to all the cramping and lower back pain I had. Plus I wasn't aloud to have anything to eat or drink past midnight, which meant no Ibuprofen. My apointment this morning wasn't until 11:30, so by that time I felt like I might die from the pain or starve to death. I was so hungry. When we got to the clinic Brett and I waited in the waiting room. Apparently they had to go ahead and deliver some girls today that they were not expecting to do until tomorrow, so this had put them behind for the morning. I thought to myself, this is great! The pain is awful and I'm straving to death. But I tried to wait my turn as patiently as I could.
Finally they called me back, 2 hours later. I sat in the "procedure room" waiting for the doctor to come in, and wishing Brett could be there with me. Once again, I had so many emotions running through me. Finally a nurse came in and started an IV. I tried to tell her that she was not going to be able to put an 18 guage needled in my hand, because my veins there would not hold it. She didn't listen to me though and assured me that she was "good". I try not to let on that I'm a nurse because I don't like being that know it all patient, but I was trying to help her out...and save myself from being a pin cushion. Anyways, she went ahead and I just turned my head as she tried to put this large needle into my poor little hand veins. Go figure, it blew. My hand instantly began to swell and bruise. The nurse then looked at me and said, "are you a nurse?" I said, yes. She then asked if I had ever had any trouble with IV starts in the past. I said, no, but if you need to use that big of a needle your going to have to put it in my AC space (the area up by your elbow, in the bend of your arm). Obviously, as a nurse, i know that that is not an ideal place to put an IV. Especially an IV where you will be recieving continuous IV fluids. I am fully aware that I would have to keep my arm very straight and still, which I assured her I would. Finally, she listened to me and started my IV where I told her to. Go figure, it worked!
The doctor came in shortly after that. He removed the Laminaria which he had placed yesterday and then broke my water. I knew then that it would only be a matter of time. The nurse then started running Pitocin through my IV. This was basiclly to induce labor so that my uterus would start contracting. They let this run for about 20-30 minutes, which didn't seem very long to me. Then the doctor came back and said it was time to complete the procedure. He again gave me some shots of a local anesthetic around my cervix and the nurse gave me Demerol, a narcotic pain medication, through my IV. This process was very unpleasant and somewhat painful, despite all the demeral and local anesthetic. I felt a lot of tugging, pulling and pressure. I couldn't see what was going on down there between my legs and that was probably a good thing. I'm not completely sure, but I think the entire process was kinda like a D&E. It certainly wasn't pleasant, thats for sure! It seemed like he was tuggin and pullin on things down there forever. Finally, he said we were done and I was sent back to a little "recovery" room where Brett could meet me. I felt really loopy and lightheaded. I'm sure some of it was the narcotics, but it could have also been that it was almost 4pm by this time and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day. Brett apparently asked me how I was feeling and I told him that I needed a Big Mac. I don't even like Big Macs, so the narcotics must have been making me crazy. The nurses then showed Brett how to massage my uterus, which was kind of painful, but important to do so I wouldn't bleed to death.
The nurse came in and handed us the foot and hand prints of our sweet baby girl. I looked at them and began crying. Her little feet looked just like mine. Brett said they were the perfectest little hands and feet he had ever seen. We both sat there for a minute and sobbed over our baby's prints. They were so very precious. Brett and I had decided prior to this that we did not want to view her body, as we were afraid it might leave a terrible image in our minds. We didn't want to remember her that way. We wanted to remember her the way we thought she would look. The doctor came in shortly after the nurse and told us that everything seemed to have went well. He then told us that her poor little face was quite disfigured and that he did not feel that viewing her was appropriate for us. As hard as it was to actually hear, we were already aware that due to the alobar holoprosencephaly her little face was probably disfigured. I had my perfect little foot/hand prints thought and that was all that mattered. My beautiful little angel was in Heaven now. Free from pain and suffering. Free from any complications or anomalies. She would now be able to live a healthy, normal life.
Although she met Jesus on Tuesday, I felt incredibly "empty" leaving the clinic that day. I felt as though I was missing something. I felt as though my baby should still be with me...if not my belly, than in my arms. I had neither. Tonight I just have a very heavy feeling in my heart. We are going home in the morning since they were able to finish up my procedure today. It will be really nice to be back home, but it's going to break my heart to see her crib with all her things still lying out. Those are all Raelyn's things and even though she never got to sleep in her bed or wear her KU onesie, it's still hers. It always will be. I will never forget her and I will never forget what I had to go through this week. Tonight my momma is able to rock her to sleep. ♥
They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without
--Author Unknown
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