Well, it has been a little while since I've posted. I've been trying to just keep my mind busy with different things so it seems like I have been constantly on the go. I feel like my attitude is better when I stay busy, meaning I don't feel as depressed. I've been trying to get back into my regular routines, which has helped some also. Today I have been working on my blog. I think I'm finally starting to figure this out!
Work has been a little stressful since I've been back and it seems like, for the most part, I have avoided that dreaded question..."how is the baby?" I work in a jail so making sure the deputies were aware that I was pregnant was kind of a necessity. I think most of them were aware of our situation though and just don't ask questions. There was 1 road deputy though who came in the other night that used to work on my shift regularly. Of course he didn't know what had happened because he doesn't work inside the jail anymore. As we chatted my heart raced and my stomach turned because I wondered how long it would be before he asked "the" question. Sure enough, he finally said it. The question I have been absolutely dreading and seemed to have avoided up to this point. "So how is the baby? Have you found out what your having yet?" I immediatly got silent as I serched for the right words and fought back the tears. He knew something was wrong and I could tell by the look on his face that he felt terrible. I told him that we found out that we were having a girl but that she was very sick and passed away a couple weeks ago. He apologized and I could tell by his fascial expression that he felt awful for asking. It wasn't his fault though and he didn't know. We chatted a little bit more about the situation and I was actually quite proud of myself for talking about it and not crying. I'm not going to lie though, I fought back the tears the entire conversation. I knew I would face this question sooner or later and I certainly couldn't avoid it forever.
I've been trying to lose some weight also. I'm still under "restrictions" though for another couple weeks so I can't really work out yet. Brett and I have been walking almost everyday and we are trying really hard to make better choices for our eating habits. I have managed to lose about 15 pounds so far and I am quite proud of myself, esp since I can't "work out" seriously yet. Brett and I both put on quite a bit of weight through my pregnancy. I haven't really lost enough weight yet to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet so my wardrobe is very limited. I don't like wearing my maternity clothes. For one it kinda depresses me because I'm not "pregnant" anymore. Secondly, I don't want to draw extra attention to myself by wearing maturnity clothes. I'd rather people just assume I'm "fat" and not pregnant. I know it sounds silly, but thats how I think.
Brett and I have decided that we are not going to be able to drive back to Colorado to pick up Raelyn's remains, like we originally planned. It's just to expensive and, well, money is tight. Not to mention the outrageous gas prices. I know that mailing cremation remains has become quite common, but it still bothers me. It just kinda makes my stomach turn thinking about getting my daughter in the mail. But the sooner we are able to get her home, the sooner we can officially lay her to rest. My friend in NC, Robyn, sent me one of them Willow Tree satues (I think that is what they are called) and it is a mother holding a baby. When I seen it I thought of my momma holding Raelyn. It brought tears to my eyes. I know they are so happy up there together. I think about them both all the time. Just wondering what they are doing at different times of the day. I still find myself fighting back tears frequently and I still have bad dreams about the horrific procedure I had to go through. Through it all I am still able to find peace with our decision because I know we did what was right. Knowing we did the right thing doesn't make the heart ache any less, but I know that even though the pain will never go completely away it will get easier to cope with. It has been almost 2 years since my momma past away. June is going to be an even tougher month this year. It is the month that mom passed away and the month of her birthday. It is the month we "should be" celebrating the birth of our daughter. As depressing as it may be or as down as I may feel I will find the courage to celebrate. Celebrate the life of a wonderful mother who I love and miss so very much. We will also celebrate the young life that was taken from us because God needed another beautiful little angel. The life of a precious baby girl, named Raelyn, who we never got to meet but touched our hearts in so many ways.
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