Saturday, March 26, 2011

Another emotional day.

Well today was another rough day. We finally laid our little girl to rest. It was in a way a relief. I hated seeing her remains sitting on the dresser in the box that the Clinic had sent them to us in everyday. I never did open the box. Some how it made me feel better to just leave them in there. We decided to just do a private service with only Brett and I.

We (Brett, me and my dad) had an apointment at the funeral home this morning. We looked at headstones and were even able to go ahead and order one. We weren't sure wether we would be able to actually order it today, but they allowed us to make payments so that was a big help. Anyone who has ever had to purchase a headstone knows that they are NOT cheap!! The funeral home said that it should be installed by Memorial Day and I can't wait to see it! It's an "infant" stone so it is a smaller one. It has all of Raelyn's information on it and a teddy bear (Brett says it is a rabbit), ball and rattle down at the bottom.

They also gave us a temporary marker to put in the ground where we buried her until her stone comes in. I asked wether they had any little boxes or some type of container to actually put her into the ground with. When they went to get it the most ironic thing happened! The funeral home man came back into the room and had an odd expression on his face. He told us that he wasn't sure why he still had it, but that he had the container my mom had came in (when she was sent from the crematory back to the funeral home). He said that normally he did not keep those particular containers, but that we could use it if we would like to. Of course my dad and I both agreed that it was appropriate and said yes. My dad and I just kinda looked at each other with tears in our eyes as he handed me the box, which clearly still had "Susan Kneller: June 11, 2009" written on it. I opened the box and inside was a small velvet bag. It was a small portion of my momma's remains! I had ordered a cremation necklace and so the funeral home had kept some of my mom's remains so that they could be put into the necklace. Well apparently after they put a little portion into my necklace, they saved the remainder for my dad. At some point there had obviously been some type of miscommunication and so my dad had not ever picked them up. This is why they still had my mom's cremation container. I handed the velvet bag over to my dad as a tear rolled down his face. I handed the container back to the funeral home man and Brett went out to the car to get the box which had Raelyn's remains in it. The funeral home took her remains out of the box for us, put them into the container that she would be buried in (which was previously my mom's), and then sealed it. It just seemed so appropriate. I know my mom was smiling down on us, with Raelyn in her arms, as we sealed that box.

After that we went to the cemetary. It was a rainy, cold, dreary day today. As we pulled into the cemetary the rain eased up and, for the most part, seemed to have stopped. Finally the Pastor arrived and so we got out. It was so windy. Brett and I stood huddled together, shivering, as the Pastor done our little service and said a prayer. My mom has wind chimes hanging beside her grave. She loved those noisy things for some reason and it seems like they are always chiming like crazy when my dad and I are there. There have been days that there was absolutely no wind when we went to visit her. As soon as we get there though the wind chimes always start chiming like crazy! We like to think of it as momma talking to us. Like the wind is her, telling us that she is ok and that she loves us. Today was no exception and the wind was blowing like crazy!! I knew that they were both there with us. Between listening to the Pastor's words and the wind chimes it was very emotional for me to say the least. I watched as they put Raelyn's little box into the ground and then covered it with dirt. Brett and I then put up her own little wind chime and set an angel and teddy bear on her grave. I laid a rose on both my mom's and Raelyn's grave. I then told them both how much I loved them and said I would see them later, as I do for my mom every time I visit her. As we left the cemetary it began to rain again. I looked up at the sky and said thank you mamma for allowing us to have our service without rain.


  1. It sounds like your Mom was there to let you know she was okay and that she was with Raelyn. How beautiful!
    Praying for you!

  2. what a beautifully written post, jessica.

    and i agree with your boyfriend, those are the most perfect footprints i have ever seen!

    love and kindness:)