Another emotional day.

Well today was another rough day. We finally laid our little girl to rest. It was in a way a relief. I hated seeing her remains sitting on the dresser in the box that the Clinic had sent them to us in everyday. I never did open the box. Some how it made me feel better to just leave them in there. We decided to just do a private service with only Brett and I.

We (Brett, me and my dad) had an apointment at the funeral home this morning. We looked at headstones and were even able to go ahead and order one. We weren't sure wether we would be able to actually order it today, but they allowed us to make payments so that was a big help. Anyone who has ever had to purchase a headstone knows that they are NOT cheap!! The funeral home said that it should be installed by Memorial Day and I can't wait to see it! It's an "infant" stone so it is a smaller one. It has all of Raelyn's information on it and a teddy bear (Brett says it is a rabbit), ball and rattle down at the bottom.

They also gave us a temporary marker to put in the ground where we buried her until her stone comes in. I asked wether they had any little boxes or some type of container to actually put her into the ground with. When they went to get it the most ironic thing happened! The funeral home man came back into the room and had an odd expression on his face. He told us that he wasn't sure why he still had it, but that he had the container my mom had came in (when she was sent from the crematory back to the funeral home). He said that normally he did not keep those particular containers, but that we could use it if we would like to. Of course my dad and I both agreed that it was appropriate and said yes. My dad and I just kinda looked at each other with tears in our eyes as he handed me the box, which clearly still had "Susan Kneller: June 11, 2009" written on it. I opened the box and inside was a small velvet bag. It was a small portion of my momma's remains! I had ordered a cremation necklace and so the funeral home had kept some of my mom's remains so that they could be put into the necklace. Well apparently after they put a little portion into my necklace, they saved the remainder for my dad. At some point there had obviously been some type of miscommunication and so my dad had not ever picked them up. This is why they still had my mom's cremation container. I handed the velvet bag over to my dad as a tear rolled down his face. I handed the container back to the funeral home man and Brett went out to the car to get the box which had Raelyn's remains in it. The funeral home took her remains out of the box for us, put them into the container that she would be buried in (which was previously my mom's), and then sealed it. It just seemed so appropriate. I know my mom was smiling down on us, with Raelyn in her arms, as we sealed that box.

After that we went to the cemetary. It was a rainy, cold, dreary day today. As we pulled into the cemetary the rain eased up and, for the most part, seemed to have stopped. Finally the Pastor arrived and so we got out. It was so windy. Brett and I stood huddled together, shivering, as the Pastor done our little service and said a prayer. My mom has wind chimes hanging beside her grave. She loved those noisy things for some reason and it seems like they are always chiming like crazy when my dad and I are there. There have been days that there was absolutely no wind when we went to visit her. As soon as we get there though the wind chimes always start chiming like crazy! We like to think of it as momma talking to us. Like the wind is her, telling us that she is ok and that she loves us. Today was no exception and the wind was blowing like crazy!! I knew that they were both there with us. Between listening to the Pastor's words and the wind chimes it was very emotional for me to say the least. I watched as they put Raelyn's little box into the ground and then covered it with dirt. Brett and I then put up her own little wind chime and set an angel and teddy bear on her grave. I laid a rose on both my mom's and Raelyn's grave. I then told them both how much I loved them and said I would see them later, as I do for my mom every time I visit her. As we left the cemetary it began to rain again. I looked up at the sky and said thank you mamma for allowing us to have our service without rain.

Precious Little One

I came accross this quote today and it seemed to fit our situation so well. Mommy and Daddy love you Raelyn ♥

I`m just a precious little one
who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

just another day

Well, it has been a little while since I've posted. I've been trying to just keep my mind busy with different things so it seems like I have been constantly on the go. I feel like my attitude is better when I stay busy, meaning I don't feel as depressed. I've been trying to get back into my regular routines, which has helped some also. Today I have been working on my blog. I think I'm finally starting to figure this out!

Work has been a little stressful since I've been back and it seems like, for the most part, I have avoided that dreaded question..."how is the baby?" I work in a jail so making sure the deputies were aware that I was pregnant was kind of a necessity. I think most of them were aware of our situation though and just don't ask questions. There was 1 road deputy though who came in the other night that used to work on my shift regularly. Of course he didn't know what had happened because he doesn't work inside the jail anymore. As we chatted my heart raced and my stomach turned because I wondered how long it would be before he asked "the" question. Sure enough, he finally said it. The question I have been absolutely dreading and seemed to have avoided up to this point. "So how is the baby? Have you found out what your having yet?" I immediatly got silent as I serched for the right words and fought back the tears. He knew something was wrong and I could tell by the look on his face that he felt terrible. I told him that we found out that we were having a girl but that she was very sick and passed away a couple weeks ago. He apologized and I could tell by his fascial expression that he felt awful for asking. It wasn't his fault though and he didn't know. We chatted a little bit more about the situation and I was actually quite proud of myself for talking about it and not crying. I'm not going to lie though, I fought back the tears the entire conversation. I knew I would face this question sooner or later and I certainly couldn't avoid it forever.

I've been trying to lose some weight also. I'm still under "restrictions" though for another couple weeks so I can't really work out yet. Brett and I have been walking almost everyday and we are trying really hard to make better choices for our eating habits. I have managed to lose about 15 pounds so far and I am quite proud of myself, esp since I can't "work out" seriously yet. Brett and I both put on quite a bit of weight through my pregnancy. I haven't really lost enough weight yet to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet so my wardrobe is very limited. I don't like wearing my maternity clothes. For one it kinda depresses me because I'm not "pregnant" anymore. Secondly, I don't want to draw extra attention to myself by wearing maturnity clothes. I'd rather people just assume I'm "fat" and not pregnant. I know it sounds silly, but thats how I think.

Brett and I have decided that we are not going to be able to drive back to Colorado to pick up Raelyn's remains, like we originally planned. It's just to expensive and, well, money is tight. Not to mention the outrageous gas prices. I know that mailing cremation remains has become quite common, but it still bothers me. It just kinda makes my stomach turn thinking about getting my daughter in the mail. But the sooner we are able to get her home, the sooner we can officially lay her to rest. My friend in NC, Robyn, sent me one of them Willow Tree satues (I think that is what they are called) and it is a mother holding a baby. When I seen it I thought of my momma holding Raelyn. It brought tears to my eyes. I know they are so happy up there together. I think about them both all the time. Just wondering what they are doing at different times of the day. I still find myself fighting back tears frequently and I still have bad dreams about the horrific procedure I had to go through. Through it all I am still able to find peace with our decision because I know we did what was right. Knowing we did the right thing doesn't make the heart ache any less, but I know that even though the pain will never go completely away it will get easier to cope with. It has been almost 2 years since my momma past away. June is going to be an even tougher month this year. It is the month that mom passed away and the month of her birthday. It is the month we "should be" celebrating the birth of our daughter. As depressing as it may be or as down as I may feel I will find the courage to celebrate. Celebrate the life of a wonderful mother who I love and miss so very much. We will also celebrate the young life that was taken from us because God needed another beautiful little angel. The life of a precious baby girl, named Raelyn, who we never got to meet but touched our hearts in so many ways.

March for Babies

Well today I started spreading the word for March of Babies. I'm pretty excited since we will be walking for our sweet baby girl, Raelyn. It makes me feel so good to know that we are walking in her honor and also trying to raise money to help other families out. You can find information on my facebook about either walking with us or donating to the cause. We are going to be ordering "Team Raelyn" shirts also for anyone who is interested. It makes me feel so good to help spread awareness and to just know that the money our team donates can go to a family in need...or to help a suffering baby. I just want to thank each and every one of you who have either donated by walking, contributing money or just showed support by purchasing t-shirts. It means more to Brett and I than you know! God Bless you all!!

http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1527430

We also received a phone call today from the doctor's office in Colorado saying Raelyn's remains were back. I am looking forward to officially laying her to rest. I have decided to give her my plot, next to my momma. I can still be buried there, but I would have to be creamated also. In the past I did not want to be creamated. There isn't really a particular reason for this, just didn't want to. It's amazing how your child can make you make sacrafices you never thought you would make. I feel honored to make this sacrafice though. There is a little girl buried right in front of my mom also. Her name is Kelsy. I'm not really sure what happened to her but she passed away several years ago as an infant also. Her and Raelyn can be friends. We are not planning an actual funeral service, but anyone is welcomed to attend the grave side service that wants to. We haven't set a date for this to take place just yet though.

Tomorrow will be 1 week.

Things have been going "ok" I think. I find myself thinking about Raelyn frequently throughout the day. I really miss her and still find myself tearing up just thinking about her. Brett and I made a wall hanging of all of our handprints. It is a picture of my hand, his hand and Raelyn's little hand's right in the middle. Her hands are enclosed in a heart and the bottom of the picture says, "always in our hearts". I love looking at her little prints. It's all that I have of her. I find myself wondering who she would have favored more; me or brett? I have absolutly no doubt that she would be/is a beautiful combination of the both of us. I wonder what her and my mom are doing up in heaven. I know she is a very happy baby, that is for sure. Brett and I are both known for our big smiles. Today the sun was shinning bright and I felt as though it was her, smiling down on us saying "I'm doing okay, mommy and daddy". That brought a smile to my face. Tomorrow will be 1 week since we said goodbye and that makes my heart ache. 

I am supposed to go back to work this week and that is a little nerve racking. I don't want anyone to ask me questions. I just want to do my job. Most of you know that I work at a jail. I have to deal with ignorant pregnant women all the time. Women who do drugs and drink on a regular basis, despite their pregnancy. Women who already have several "healthy" kids that they do not even take care of. It just makes me so angry. I would like to slap them in the face and tell them how ungreatful they really are! Up to this point I feel as though I have done very well in not being judgemental towards the inmates and treating their medical problems professionally, despite their convictions...I pray God will give me strength to handle these types of people during my time of greiving. I know this pain will never completely leave my heart, but I'm sure with time it will get easier to cope with.

I made a 1 month follow up apt today with my OB doc. Her and her nurse has been very sympathetic of our situation and they have all been supportive as well. My OB doc suggested that I make an apointment with a counselor or psychiatrist, just to talk to someone. I think it is a really good idea. It is no secret that I have struggled with depression since my mother passed away. I was coping well with medication, but when I found out we were pregnant I had to stop taking it. It was actually a good thing though and Brett was very supportive. The first part of my pregnancy was rough, especially since there were a few people who weren't to supportive of my pregnancy since Brett and I were not "married". Everyone eventually came around though and I did very well without taking any depression medications. I hate taking meds and I certainly don't like feeling as though I have to "depend" on a medication just to make me feel better. I really want to try to handle this on my own and I think I can. I have an amazing support system, especially with Brett.

One day at a time

Well, we got back from Colorado yesterday morning. It was really nice to be back home...to our own house, own bed, etc. When we were leaving Colorado I kept feeling as though I was forgetting something, or maybe I should say someone. My baby. The bond that I have developed with her during the 6 months she lived inside my tummy is just undescribable. It's amazing how you can love someone, who you have never met, so incredibly much!! I look at myself in the mirror and it simply breaks my heart. My tummy, which used to be full and round, is now flabby and empty. I hate it. I know that God knows what he is doing and that he had better plans for our sweet little angel, but that certainly doesn't make it any easier. I started feeling her move around and kick a little later than usual, because we found out I had an anterior placenta. The worst part of this is that I started feeling her only a week or so before the "procedure".   

We only have a 1 bedroom apartment, so Raelyn was supposed to share a room with us. When I go to bed, I see her crib with the small collection of things we had begun getting for her. It absolutly breaks my heart, yet I'm not ready to break down and put everything away. We will eventually, just not right now. I feel so envious of pregnant women or women with small babies right now. It makes me angry to feel that way because that isn't me at all. I don't want to feel that way. I am in no way better than anyone, but it always brings me back to the same question, "why did this have to happen to us?! what did we do so wrong?!" I know that God will bless us with another baby when the time is right. Eventually we will try again. Right now our hearts just need to heal.

I don't really have a lot to say today. Just feel really sad. I let my cell phone go completely dead last night and didn't even care to charge it until later this afternoon. That is way out of character for me...I am addicted to my cell phone! I feel as though I have kind of withdrawn myself from the "world". I just hope that everyone knows that we both read the messages and comments you leave us on facebook, the comments on here and even emails you may send. We appreciate them very much and it is people like you who are helping give us strength to get through this difficult time. Just know that although we may not respond right now, we appreciate the support more than you know!

"Blessed Mother up above,
give my baby all your love.
Hold her tight against your breast,
let her lie her head to rest.
No more pain, nor endless suffering,
only tendernest and cuddleling.
And please dear Mother hear my plea
when I die, give her back to me.

From Mommy"  
--by: Diane Rowan

Day 3 left me with a heavy heart and an empty feeling!

Today was a rough day. Mainly because I hardly slept last night due to all the cramping and lower back pain I had. Plus I wasn't aloud to have anything to eat or drink past midnight, which meant no Ibuprofen. My apointment this morning wasn't until 11:30, so by that time I felt like I might die from the pain or starve to death. I was so hungry. When we got to the clinic Brett and I waited in the waiting room. Apparently they had to go ahead and deliver some girls today that they were not expecting to do until tomorrow, so this had put them behind for the morning. I thought to myself, this is great! The pain is awful and I'm straving to death. But I tried to wait my turn as patiently as I could.

Finally they called me back, 2 hours later. I sat in the "procedure room" waiting for the doctor to come in, and wishing Brett could be there with me. Once again, I had so many emotions running through me. Finally a nurse came in and started an IV. I tried to tell her that she was not going to be able to put an 18 guage needled in my hand, because my veins there would not hold it. She didn't listen to me though and assured me that she was "good". I try not to let on that I'm a nurse because I don't like being that know it all patient, but I was trying to help her out...and save myself from being a pin cushion. Anyways, she went ahead and I just turned my head as she tried to put this large needle into my poor little hand veins. Go figure, it blew. My hand instantly began to swell and bruise. The nurse then looked at me and said, "are you a nurse?" I said, yes. She then asked if I had ever had any trouble with IV starts in the past. I said, no, but if you need to use that big of a needle your going to have to put it in my AC space (the area up by your elbow, in the bend of your arm). Obviously, as a nurse, i know that that is not an ideal place to put an IV. Especially an IV where you will be recieving continuous IV fluids. I am fully aware that I would have to keep my arm very straight and still, which I assured her I would. Finally, she listened to me and started my IV where I told her to. Go figure, it worked!

The doctor came in shortly after that. He removed the Laminaria which he had placed yesterday and then broke my water. I knew then that it would only be a matter of time. The nurse then started running Pitocin through my IV. This was basiclly to induce labor so that my uterus would start contracting. They let this run for about 20-30 minutes, which didn't seem very long to me. Then the doctor came back and said it was time to complete the procedure. He again gave me some shots of a local anesthetic around my cervix and the nurse gave me Demerol, a narcotic pain medication, through my IV. This process was very unpleasant and somewhat painful, despite all the demeral and local anesthetic. I felt a lot of tugging, pulling and pressure. I couldn't see what was going on down there between my legs and that was probably a good thing. I'm not completely sure, but I think the entire process was kinda like a D&E. It certainly wasn't pleasant, thats for sure! It seemed like he was tuggin and pullin on things down there forever. Finally, he said we were done and I was sent back to a little "recovery" room where Brett could meet me. I felt really loopy and lightheaded. I'm sure some of it was the narcotics, but it could have also been that it was almost 4pm by this time and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day. Brett apparently asked me how I was feeling and I told him that I needed a Big Mac. I don't even like Big Macs, so the narcotics must have been making me crazy. The nurses then showed Brett how to massage my uterus, which was kind of painful, but important to do so I wouldn't bleed to death.

The nurse came in and handed us the foot and hand prints of our sweet baby girl. I looked at them and began crying. Her little feet looked just like mine. Brett said they were the perfectest little hands and feet he had ever seen. We both sat there for a minute and sobbed over our baby's prints. They were so very precious. Brett and I had decided prior to this that we did not want to view her body, as we were afraid it might leave a terrible image in our minds. We didn't want to remember her that way. We wanted to remember her the way we thought she would look. The doctor came in shortly after the nurse and told us that everything seemed to have went well. He then told us that her poor little face was quite disfigured and that he did not feel that viewing her was appropriate for us. As hard as it was to actually hear, we were already aware that due to the alobar holoprosencephaly her little face was probably disfigured. I had my perfect little foot/hand prints thought and that was all that mattered. My beautiful little angel was in Heaven now. Free from pain and suffering. Free from any complications or anomalies. She would now be able to live a healthy, normal life.

Although she met Jesus on Tuesday, I felt incredibly "empty" leaving the clinic that day. I felt as though I was missing something. I felt as though my baby should still be with me...if not my belly, than in my arms. I had neither. Tonight I just have a very heavy feeling in my heart. We are going home in the morning since they were able to finish up my procedure today. It will be really nice to be back home, but it's going to break my heart to see her crib with all her things still lying out. Those are all Raelyn's things and even though she never got to sleep in her bed or wear her KU onesie, it's still hers. It always will be. I will never forget her and I will never forget what I had to go through this week. Tonight my momma is able to rock her to sleep. ♥


They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without
--Author Unknown