Well I'm not even sure where to start. So much has been on my mind lately. We celebrated our neices 1st birthday yesterday. It has been amazing to watch her grow. It seems like just yesterday she was an infant and now she is walking around, getting into everything. We love that little girl so much. Sometimes my heart hurts though because I wish we were watching our own daughter grow. I look at Raelyn's ultrasound pics or even her tiny handprints and still have my moments. I miss her so much. She will always have a piece of my heart. It seems like everyone is having babies or finding out their pregnant. I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I find myself having baby fever at times, but then I think about what we went through and it scares me to death. I feel like it was a bad scene from a horror movie or something. Those couple of days have been etched into my mind forever. No one knows the heartache I still feel to this day.
I've been feeling like nothing good ever seems to happen to me lately. I've been going through some things with my dad and have had several run-ins with "bad luck" lately. My dad had kinda hit rock bottom with his depression and things got totally out of control. It was so scary to see him the way I had to see him. He looked like a mad man. I spent my birthday trying to get him help...and I'm pretty sure it was the worst birthday I've ever had but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I knew it would help my daddy. Thankfully I had amazing support from the rest of my family and they really stood behind me. I know he didn't like us to much in the beginning but I'm pretty sure he is glad he had the oppurtunity to get the help he needed. He was able to go to a really good hospital where he could get the help he needed. Since he has been out I can tell a tremendous improvement. It's almost like he is a new person. He has even gained 20 pounds!! That seems like a lot, but that is exactly what he needed...he looks healthy again. I've lost my mother and I sure don't want to lose my daddy, especially to something senseless. I know I can not control who he hangs out with or who goes around him, but I can at least try to get him the help he needs when he needs it.
So I had started writting this a week or so ago and I am just getting around to finishing it. I have been terrible about getting on here and I promise to try to better. Life is just so busy and hectic these days! ♥
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
June
So it has been over a month since I have blogged. June has been a tough month. The 11th was the 2 year anniversary of my mom passing away. I miss her so much and I find it very hard to believe that I have been without her for 2 years now. There are so many days that I wish I could still call her and let her know about my day or ask for advice. My dad has started seeing someone again, which I have had a very hard time with. I've pretty much known this day would come some day and his happiness means more to me then anything. I don't really know her and I have had a very poor attitude about accepting her. My dad hasn't really been honest with me about her and I'm certain that hasn't helped things either. I think he tries to avoid telling me things because he doesn't want me to be upset, but it is even worse when I hear about the situation second hand. The 14th should've been my "due date". A million different thoughts ran through my mind that day. It should've been the happiest day of my life. I should've been having my beautiful baby girl, holding her in my arms and kissing her forehead. Instead it was just another day. Some days I catch myself wondering what it would have been like with her here...even with all her medical problems. The "selfish" part of me still gets the best of me at times. I have no regrets about the decision we had to make because I know it was the best. I would never have wanted my child to suffer. No parent would. No matter the situation though, I am just about certain I would not be able to go through another "procedure" EVER again. It was horrific and I still to this day have horrible flashbacks from what happened during those 3 days. It is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I find some comfort in being able to visit her at the cemetary with my momma.
We have been given the "green light" on trying again, I'm just still scared. Like I said, I'm almost certain that I would not be able to go through with another "procedure" ever again...no matter what the circumstance. It took every once of strength I had just to follow through with it this time. The fear is simply overwhelming. Our OB doc has been very supportive through this entire situation and has told us on several occassions that they chance of reaccurance is very low. I guess since it "just happened" and they were not able to find a cause for the poor development of our baby, I have a terrible fear of it "just happening" again. I know more than anything though that I was meant to be a mother and this experience has made me want a baby more than anything, especially since I feel as though it was ripped away from me. For now I will try to patiently wait for the Lord to bless us with another baby. He knows when the time is right and after everything I have been through, I trust in him more than anything.
We have been given the "green light" on trying again, I'm just still scared. Like I said, I'm almost certain that I would not be able to go through with another "procedure" ever again...no matter what the circumstance. It took every once of strength I had just to follow through with it this time. The fear is simply overwhelming. Our OB doc has been very supportive through this entire situation and has told us on several occassions that they chance of reaccurance is very low. I guess since it "just happened" and they were not able to find a cause for the poor development of our baby, I have a terrible fear of it "just happening" again. I know more than anything though that I was meant to be a mother and this experience has made me want a baby more than anything, especially since I feel as though it was ripped away from me. For now I will try to patiently wait for the Lord to bless us with another baby. He knows when the time is right and after everything I have been through, I trust in him more than anything.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Days go by...
I've really been slacking when it comes to updating my blog lately. I've been working a lot, just trying to keep busy. I've caught myself on the verge of tears quite frequently these past couple days, and I'm not really sure why. I see my facebook friends sharing their pregnancy "joys" and posting pics of their newborns and it makes my heart ache. I see them progressing in their pregnancies and think to myself, I should be doing these things along with them, or this person just had their baby. I should be getting ready to have mine.
I've also been thinking about all the upcoming "events". Mothers Day, Memorial Day, Easter, my "should be" due date, the anniversary of my mom's death. All of these things are happening in these next 2 months and I find it a bit overwhelming just to even think about at times. Mothers Day has been rough for me ever since my mom passed away and this year I will be celebrating it not only without my mother but as a mother who lost her first child. Ughhh! I really hope my momma and Raelyn enjoyed their first Easter together. My dad and I joked about mom forgetting to put her Easter basket out. I'll never forget the Easter mom forgot to put my basket out. I woke up, ran into the living room and there was NOTHING! I thought the Easter Bunny had forgotten me! Then mom came runnin into the living room, saying "oh shit!! go back to your room!" I anxiously waited in my room as I heard the ruffeling of plastic bags and mom telling dad that she could not believe she "forgot" to set my basket out. When I came back into the living room mom sat her chair with the biggest smile and said, "he just left it in our room". Needless to say, the "secret" was out. We looked back and laughed about that for several years! And I'm sure if Raelyn is anytihing like me, she HATED them pees. Mom liked them though and I always found them in my Easter baskets. I would remind her every year that I didn't like them things, but her response was always the same. She would say "I know", with a big grin on her face, as she took them out of my basket and ate them herself. Man, I sure do miss my momma!!
I had went to the doctor last month for my 1 month "procedure" follow up. I can't really remember if I already mentioned what happened at that appointment so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. Anyways, the doctor said everything looked good with my cervix and such and said that things seemed to be healing well. She also said that she wanted us to wait at least 3 months before trying again. I still feel a little "undecided" about the whole trying again thing. I feel like my daughter was ripped away from me and I want to try again more than ever. With that said, I am scared to death that it will happen again. The doctors say the chances of it recurring is very low, but my thought process on it is that it "just happened" before...how do I know it won't "just happen" again. Brett says that our luck isn't that bad (for what happened before to happen again) but sometimes I swear that I am cursed, especially when I think about some of the things that have happended to me. I know I can not think like that but sometimes it's hard to be positive when I think of the things I've had to go through. One thing that I do know for sure though is that I was meant to be a Mother. This I know without a doubt. As terrible as this experience has been I also know that it has helped Brett and I grow so much and in so many ways, and I think that together we will be even better parents because of it.
I've also been thinking about all the upcoming "events". Mothers Day, Memorial Day, Easter, my "should be" due date, the anniversary of my mom's death. All of these things are happening in these next 2 months and I find it a bit overwhelming just to even think about at times. Mothers Day has been rough for me ever since my mom passed away and this year I will be celebrating it not only without my mother but as a mother who lost her first child. Ughhh! I really hope my momma and Raelyn enjoyed their first Easter together. My dad and I joked about mom forgetting to put her Easter basket out. I'll never forget the Easter mom forgot to put my basket out. I woke up, ran into the living room and there was NOTHING! I thought the Easter Bunny had forgotten me! Then mom came runnin into the living room, saying "oh shit!! go back to your room!" I anxiously waited in my room as I heard the ruffeling of plastic bags and mom telling dad that she could not believe she "forgot" to set my basket out. When I came back into the living room mom sat her chair with the biggest smile and said, "he just left it in our room". Needless to say, the "secret" was out. We looked back and laughed about that for several years! And I'm sure if Raelyn is anytihing like me, she HATED them pees. Mom liked them though and I always found them in my Easter baskets. I would remind her every year that I didn't like them things, but her response was always the same. She would say "I know", with a big grin on her face, as she took them out of my basket and ate them herself. Man, I sure do miss my momma!!
I had went to the doctor last month for my 1 month "procedure" follow up. I can't really remember if I already mentioned what happened at that appointment so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. Anyways, the doctor said everything looked good with my cervix and such and said that things seemed to be healing well. She also said that she wanted us to wait at least 3 months before trying again. I still feel a little "undecided" about the whole trying again thing. I feel like my daughter was ripped away from me and I want to try again more than ever. With that said, I am scared to death that it will happen again. The doctors say the chances of it recurring is very low, but my thought process on it is that it "just happened" before...how do I know it won't "just happen" again. Brett says that our luck isn't that bad (for what happened before to happen again) but sometimes I swear that I am cursed, especially when I think about some of the things that have happended to me. I know I can not think like that but sometimes it's hard to be positive when I think of the things I've had to go through. One thing that I do know for sure though is that I was meant to be a Mother. This I know without a doubt. As terrible as this experience has been I also know that it has helped Brett and I grow so much and in so many ways, and I think that together we will be even better parents because of it.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Another emotional day.
Well today was another rough day. We finally laid our little girl to rest. It was in a way a relief. I hated seeing her remains sitting on the dresser in the box that the Clinic had sent them to us in everyday. I never did open the box. Some how it made me feel better to just leave them in there. We decided to just do a private service with only Brett and I.
We (Brett, me and my dad) had an apointment at the funeral home this morning. We looked at headstones and were even able to go ahead and order one. We weren't sure wether we would be able to actually order it today, but they allowed us to make payments so that was a big help. Anyone who has ever had to purchase a headstone knows that they are NOT cheap!! The funeral home said that it should be installed by Memorial Day and I can't wait to see it! It's an "infant" stone so it is a smaller one. It has all of Raelyn's information on it and a teddy bear (Brett says it is a rabbit), ball and rattle down at the bottom.
They also gave us a temporary marker to put in the ground where we buried her until her stone comes in. I asked wether they had any little boxes or some type of container to actually put her into the ground with. When they went to get it the most ironic thing happened! The funeral home man came back into the room and had an odd expression on his face. He told us that he wasn't sure why he still had it, but that he had the container my mom had came in (when she was sent from the crematory back to the funeral home). He said that normally he did not keep those particular containers, but that we could use it if we would like to. Of course my dad and I both agreed that it was appropriate and said yes. My dad and I just kinda looked at each other with tears in our eyes as he handed me the box, which clearly still had "Susan Kneller: June 11, 2009" written on it. I opened the box and inside was a small velvet bag. It was a small portion of my momma's remains! I had ordered a cremation necklace and so the funeral home had kept some of my mom's remains so that they could be put into the necklace. Well apparently after they put a little portion into my necklace, they saved the remainder for my dad. At some point there had obviously been some type of miscommunication and so my dad had not ever picked them up. This is why they still had my mom's cremation container. I handed the velvet bag over to my dad as a tear rolled down his face. I handed the container back to the funeral home man and Brett went out to the car to get the box which had Raelyn's remains in it. The funeral home took her remains out of the box for us, put them into the container that she would be buried in (which was previously my mom's), and then sealed it. It just seemed so appropriate. I know my mom was smiling down on us, with Raelyn in her arms, as we sealed that box.
After that we went to the cemetary. It was a rainy, cold, dreary day today. As we pulled into the cemetary the rain eased up and, for the most part, seemed to have stopped. Finally the Pastor arrived and so we got out. It was so windy. Brett and I stood huddled together, shivering, as the Pastor done our little service and said a prayer. My mom has wind chimes hanging beside her grave. She loved those noisy things for some reason and it seems like they are always chiming like crazy when my dad and I are there. There have been days that there was absolutely no wind when we went to visit her. As soon as we get there though the wind chimes always start chiming like crazy! We like to think of it as momma talking to us. Like the wind is her, telling us that she is ok and that she loves us. Today was no exception and the wind was blowing like crazy!! I knew that they were both there with us. Between listening to the Pastor's words and the wind chimes it was very emotional for me to say the least. I watched as they put Raelyn's little box into the ground and then covered it with dirt. Brett and I then put up her own little wind chime and set an angel and teddy bear on her grave. I laid a rose on both my mom's and Raelyn's grave. I then told them both how much I loved them and said I would see them later, as I do for my mom every time I visit her. As we left the cemetary it began to rain again. I looked up at the sky and said thank you mamma for allowing us to have our service without rain.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Precious Little One
I came accross this quote today and it seemed to fit our situation so well. Mommy and Daddy love you Raelyn ♥
I`m just a precious little one
who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown
I`m just a precious little one
who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown
just another day
Well, it has been a little while since I've posted. I've been trying to just keep my mind busy with different things so it seems like I have been constantly on the go. I feel like my attitude is better when I stay busy, meaning I don't feel as depressed. I've been trying to get back into my regular routines, which has helped some also. Today I have been working on my blog. I think I'm finally starting to figure this out!
Work has been a little stressful since I've been back and it seems like, for the most part, I have avoided that dreaded question..."how is the baby?" I work in a jail so making sure the deputies were aware that I was pregnant was kind of a necessity. I think most of them were aware of our situation though and just don't ask questions. There was 1 road deputy though who came in the other night that used to work on my shift regularly. Of course he didn't know what had happened because he doesn't work inside the jail anymore. As we chatted my heart raced and my stomach turned because I wondered how long it would be before he asked "the" question. Sure enough, he finally said it. The question I have been absolutely dreading and seemed to have avoided up to this point. "So how is the baby? Have you found out what your having yet?" I immediatly got silent as I serched for the right words and fought back the tears. He knew something was wrong and I could tell by the look on his face that he felt terrible. I told him that we found out that we were having a girl but that she was very sick and passed away a couple weeks ago. He apologized and I could tell by his fascial expression that he felt awful for asking. It wasn't his fault though and he didn't know. We chatted a little bit more about the situation and I was actually quite proud of myself for talking about it and not crying. I'm not going to lie though, I fought back the tears the entire conversation. I knew I would face this question sooner or later and I certainly couldn't avoid it forever.
I've been trying to lose some weight also. I'm still under "restrictions" though for another couple weeks so I can't really work out yet. Brett and I have been walking almost everyday and we are trying really hard to make better choices for our eating habits. I have managed to lose about 15 pounds so far and I am quite proud of myself, esp since I can't "work out" seriously yet. Brett and I both put on quite a bit of weight through my pregnancy. I haven't really lost enough weight yet to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet so my wardrobe is very limited. I don't like wearing my maternity clothes. For one it kinda depresses me because I'm not "pregnant" anymore. Secondly, I don't want to draw extra attention to myself by wearing maturnity clothes. I'd rather people just assume I'm "fat" and not pregnant. I know it sounds silly, but thats how I think.
Brett and I have decided that we are not going to be able to drive back to Colorado to pick up Raelyn's remains, like we originally planned. It's just to expensive and, well, money is tight. Not to mention the outrageous gas prices. I know that mailing cremation remains has become quite common, but it still bothers me. It just kinda makes my stomach turn thinking about getting my daughter in the mail. But the sooner we are able to get her home, the sooner we can officially lay her to rest. My friend in NC, Robyn, sent me one of them Willow Tree satues (I think that is what they are called) and it is a mother holding a baby. When I seen it I thought of my momma holding Raelyn. It brought tears to my eyes. I know they are so happy up there together. I think about them both all the time. Just wondering what they are doing at different times of the day. I still find myself fighting back tears frequently and I still have bad dreams about the horrific procedure I had to go through. Through it all I am still able to find peace with our decision because I know we did what was right. Knowing we did the right thing doesn't make the heart ache any less, but I know that even though the pain will never go completely away it will get easier to cope with. It has been almost 2 years since my momma past away. June is going to be an even tougher month this year. It is the month that mom passed away and the month of her birthday. It is the month we "should be" celebrating the birth of our daughter. As depressing as it may be or as down as I may feel I will find the courage to celebrate. Celebrate the life of a wonderful mother who I love and miss so very much. We will also celebrate the young life that was taken from us because God needed another beautiful little angel. The life of a precious baby girl, named Raelyn, who we never got to meet but touched our hearts in so many ways.
Work has been a little stressful since I've been back and it seems like, for the most part, I have avoided that dreaded question..."how is the baby?" I work in a jail so making sure the deputies were aware that I was pregnant was kind of a necessity. I think most of them were aware of our situation though and just don't ask questions. There was 1 road deputy though who came in the other night that used to work on my shift regularly. Of course he didn't know what had happened because he doesn't work inside the jail anymore. As we chatted my heart raced and my stomach turned because I wondered how long it would be before he asked "the" question. Sure enough, he finally said it. The question I have been absolutely dreading and seemed to have avoided up to this point. "So how is the baby? Have you found out what your having yet?" I immediatly got silent as I serched for the right words and fought back the tears. He knew something was wrong and I could tell by the look on his face that he felt terrible. I told him that we found out that we were having a girl but that she was very sick and passed away a couple weeks ago. He apologized and I could tell by his fascial expression that he felt awful for asking. It wasn't his fault though and he didn't know. We chatted a little bit more about the situation and I was actually quite proud of myself for talking about it and not crying. I'm not going to lie though, I fought back the tears the entire conversation. I knew I would face this question sooner or later and I certainly couldn't avoid it forever.
I've been trying to lose some weight also. I'm still under "restrictions" though for another couple weeks so I can't really work out yet. Brett and I have been walking almost everyday and we are trying really hard to make better choices for our eating habits. I have managed to lose about 15 pounds so far and I am quite proud of myself, esp since I can't "work out" seriously yet. Brett and I both put on quite a bit of weight through my pregnancy. I haven't really lost enough weight yet to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes yet so my wardrobe is very limited. I don't like wearing my maternity clothes. For one it kinda depresses me because I'm not "pregnant" anymore. Secondly, I don't want to draw extra attention to myself by wearing maturnity clothes. I'd rather people just assume I'm "fat" and not pregnant. I know it sounds silly, but thats how I think.
Brett and I have decided that we are not going to be able to drive back to Colorado to pick up Raelyn's remains, like we originally planned. It's just to expensive and, well, money is tight. Not to mention the outrageous gas prices. I know that mailing cremation remains has become quite common, but it still bothers me. It just kinda makes my stomach turn thinking about getting my daughter in the mail. But the sooner we are able to get her home, the sooner we can officially lay her to rest. My friend in NC, Robyn, sent me one of them Willow Tree satues (I think that is what they are called) and it is a mother holding a baby. When I seen it I thought of my momma holding Raelyn. It brought tears to my eyes. I know they are so happy up there together. I think about them both all the time. Just wondering what they are doing at different times of the day. I still find myself fighting back tears frequently and I still have bad dreams about the horrific procedure I had to go through. Through it all I am still able to find peace with our decision because I know we did what was right. Knowing we did the right thing doesn't make the heart ache any less, but I know that even though the pain will never go completely away it will get easier to cope with. It has been almost 2 years since my momma past away. June is going to be an even tougher month this year. It is the month that mom passed away and the month of her birthday. It is the month we "should be" celebrating the birth of our daughter. As depressing as it may be or as down as I may feel I will find the courage to celebrate. Celebrate the life of a wonderful mother who I love and miss so very much. We will also celebrate the young life that was taken from us because God needed another beautiful little angel. The life of a precious baby girl, named Raelyn, who we never got to meet but touched our hearts in so many ways.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
March for Babies
http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1527430
We also received a phone call today from the doctor's office in Colorado saying Raelyn's remains were back. I am looking forward to officially laying her to rest. I have decided to give her my plot, next to my momma. I can still be buried there, but I would have to be creamated also. In the past I did not want to be creamated. There isn't really a particular reason for this, just didn't want to. It's amazing how your child can make you make sacrafices you never thought you would make. I feel honored to make this sacrafice though. There is a little girl buried right in front of my mom also. Her name is Kelsy. I'm not really sure what happened to her but she passed away several years ago as an infant also. Her and Raelyn can be friends. We are not planning an actual funeral service, but anyone is welcomed to attend the grave side service that wants to. We haven't set a date for this to take place just yet though.
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